Book Review:
Tell Me What You Want: The science of sexual desire and how it can improve your sex life Author Justin Lehmiller, PhD
A woman walks hesitantly into my office and sits down. Unsure of where to start and clearly unsettled, she begins with awkward chit chat. She is not quite ready to feel all the feelings that will come up when she finally does share the reason for coming in. As she starts to get into it, her emotions show up: sadness, fear, a bit of resentment, a bit of embarrassment, and most of all confusion. Her husband likes to wear women’s clothing.
The angst has been swirling, how to make sense of his desires: what it means about him, about her, about their relationship; what does this have to do with erotic interest, attraction, activity preference, sexual or gender identity, not to mention morals and values?! All of the unknowns and uncertainty is clearly making her very uneasy.
Looking for answers is a human compulsion, and as a scientist Dr Lehmiller attempts just that. He embarked on a research journey and presented his findings in his book Tell Me What You Want: The science of sexual desire and how it can improve your sex life. He asked people all over the US to tell him what they want, sexually. Thousands of people (4,175 to be exact, self-selected via social media) gave him answers to a ton of questions about all aspects of themselves, and most importantly, he asked them for open-ended narratives about their favorite fantasies. He combed through and categorized the data to present the most common sexual fantasies themes. Through Lehmiller’s book and the willingness of his research participants, we all get a chance to have a glimpse at what other people fantasize about, and hopefully get a sense of relief that what we want is not so weird afterall. The top 7 fantasy themes are listed at the bottom.
After presenting these findings Lehmiller goes on to highlight correlations between types of fantasies and every other data point he collected including the respondents’ personality types, sexual history, current sexual and relational problems, relationship status, and self-concept, among other things. Through these correlations Lehmiller asserts that he can tell us what a person’s sexual desires actually means about them.
Now, a good scientist knows that correlations do not prove cause and effect. And a good therapist knows there is no one size fits all explanation for any human’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors. To his credit as a scientist Lehmiller does include other research and theory to support his hypotheses, but I found myself glossing over the chapters where he was drawing his conclusions and giving himself predictive power. In my line of work, correlations are definitely interesting and can be useful, but I keep them in the back of my head as I get to know the unique individual sitting in front of me.
The final part of his book is where things get more self-helpy. His hope is that through the preceding pages the readers will have become more accepting of their sexual desires, and will use his guidance to decide what to do next. I think all of his guidance is very valuable and I wholeheartedly agree with it.
First, he brings home the point that a fantasy is just that, an imaginative process. And the fact that someone has a certain fantasy absolutely does not reflect any value judgement on anyone’s worth or goodness, nor does it predict what behaviors anyone will subsequently engage in. He also highlights that research has shown the more we try to repress any sort of thought, the more we think about it. Similarly, thinking about repressing a certain behavior tends to intensify the urge to engage in that behavior. Read more about the difference between a sexual thought, fantasy and behavior here.
The takeaway advice is to get comfortable and build acceptance for what turns you on, so that you can feel healthier and more empowered to choose responsibly how you want to act. And if you are still worried about a fantasy or desire and struggling with feelings of shame, confusion, or anxiety, then digging through it with a therapist will relieve that distress.
On my couch my clients can discover new insights about the roots of their desires, experiment with new meaning making about their desires, get better at soothing distress associated with their desires, explore whether or not they should act on a desire, learn more about how to do so safely, develop tools to reduce the chances of acting on desires when they decide they’d rather not, and find acceptance for the wholeness of their being exactly who they are. There is a lot we can get done!
Back to the book, next up from Lehmiller is guidance on how to decide whether or not to enact a particular fantasy. First and foremost, there are certain desires that should never be acted on. The decision point is: will this behavior cause harm, either physical or emotional? The best way to check this is to ask: do the other participants want to engage? Do they have the capacity and power to say yes? In short, can you do it consensually?
Consent is an important and big topic to explore, you can read more here. A basic formula that I like is FRIES. You ask someone to join you in a sexual activity and wait for a “Yes” that is Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific; read more about it here https://www.plannedparenthood.org/planned-parenthood-greater-ohio/media/blog-copy-2/would-you-like-fries-with-that-the-5-pillars-of-consent-everyone-should-know
Lastly, Lehmiller writes about how to communicate with a partner about your desires, and decide together how to go about meeting those desires. Additionally he puts an important plug in for how society as a whole can build healthier, more positive cultural messaging around sexuality in general.
And now, as promised here are the top 7 fantasies themes Lehmiller found in his data:
- Multipartnered sex (having sex with more than one person at a time)
- Power, control, and rough sex (BDSM: bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism)
- Novelty, adventure, and variety (taking a new, exciting direction in experiences)
- Taboo and forbidden sex (“kink”, actions that could be considered unhealthy, illegal, or just plain weird)
- Partner sharing and nonmonogamous relationships (agreed upon sexual activity with others outside of a primary relationship)
- Passion and romance (acts that bring about emotional fulfilment: connection and belonging)
- Erotic flexibility–specifically, homoeroticism and gender-bending (acting outside of binary or rigid notions of gender and sexuality
So there you go, did you get turned on? Turned off? Intrigued? Disgusted? All are valid reactions, however none warrant judgment…to each their own! There is a lot of literature and community around each of these themes, so I recommend exploring far and wide to learn more. Check out a few ideas here.
So, you’re telling me it’s okay to like what I like?
Yes!
Sexual insecurity is a common phenomenon, but it doesn’t have to be. My client introduced above was far from alone in her distress, but through our work together she was able to see that her husband’s desires and her reactions were actually not a sign of dysfunction. As she became more grounded, she became more empowered to decide the next steps for the well being of her sex life, her relationship, and herself as a whole.
My hope is that people will read Lehmiller’s book (or just my review of it) and realize that there is nothing wrong with them, no matter what is going through their head. However, the fact does remain that there are some people who do need help managing what is going through their head. And for those folks, and anyone who still feels mental anguish regarding sexual desires, I am always available to sit with and explore that together.
Please feel free to email me at with questions or comments, or schedule an appointment below.