“Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you”

-   Unknown

Anyone who has been around awhile, in any relationship with another person, knows that this childhood saying is a simplification and knows that words can hurt.  Words can be tremendously powerful for harm or for help…if we let them have the power.  If we accept words, whether from our own mind or someone else’s, without question or examination and take those words as The Truth, then words can have power to bring about anything, including broken bones.  The beauty of this saying is the reminder that words do not automatically have the power to hurt you, and if they do carry an initial sting you can examine and question, or even ignore them, to take away their power.

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can”

-         The Little Engine that Could

Another childhood quotation.  This one owns up to the power of words and demonstrates that words/thoughts can create outcomes that are regarded as impossible or, if possible then extremely difficult and rather unlikely.  Focused determination and cheerleading blocks out the words of others and self which are saying things like “you can’t”, “its too hard for you”, “you’ll never make it”.  The words that we choose to focus are the ones that we choose to give power to.

Words and thoughts are intangible and they come and go through our mind, often without awareness.  Because of the powerful impact thoughts can have it is important to open our awareness to our thoughts and to the ripple effects they have on the rest of our experience.  The ripple effects of thoughts include emotions and behaviors which are the palpable, visible power that thoughts will create (if we let them).  Thoughts can create feelings/emotions of “hurt” as discussed above, as well as the whole range of emotions from happiness and hope to humiliation and heartbreak.  Thoughts can also create a whole range of actions, such as the dogged determination of the Little Engine and through the gamut to the inert immobility brought on by depression thoughts.

Emotions and actions are the parts of our experience that really stand out.  Emotions feel a certain way in our bodies: we notice the deep jab of disappointment and rising lightness of accomplishment, and our actions have some sort of tangible result no matter how slight or impermanent.  It is for these reasons that the thoughts causing the emotions and actions often get overshadowed and overlooked.  And yet if we want to change the way we are feeling or acting, we must turn our attention to our thoughts.

As mentioned above thoughts are not always truth.  Some thoughts come about through a tangled line of logic or from a faulty source.  Some thoughts take root after being repeated again and again by abusive or unhealthy people.  Some thoughts are fueled by emotion and become dramatized and distorted.  Some thoughts are colored by urges and habits.  With some many thoughts possibly being untrue the mind can really start to swirl trying to figure out what to believe.  It is valuable to know and be able to recognize some common thought distortions.  It is also valuable to know one’s self.

Check out the features of your life: your day to day functioning, your relationships, your mood.  Ask yourself if your mood is generally stable enough for effective day to day functioning or do you often feel too depressed to give anything much energy, or too angry to give anything much time, or to anxious to try anything too challenging.  If your mood is getting in the way then your thoughts are ineffective or unhealthy and very likely fall into one or more categories of thought distortions.

The good news is you can change the thoughts that are bring on ineffective or unhealthy outcomes.  It is not easy or automatic to replace old thoughts, especially those thoughts that have a long history.  Like building a new trail through the wilderness takes hard work to clear plants, trees and rocks, establish an even grade and break in a smooth surface; establishing new thought patterns takes work and time and consistent use.  The old, established thought trails will draw you back in with its familiarity, but now that you know exactly where the old thought trails lead you can step off when you recognize you are back on it and can step on to the new thought trail and continue the work of making it your regular path.

The next blog has more information about common thought distortions and how to work on replacing distorted thoughts with more effective thoughts.

The mind is like a river, always moving.  There are times when the current of thoughts is moving fast and bumping into obstacles, crashing and foaming, there are other times when thoughts are like an eddy, swirling in one place stuck circulating over the same area, and other times when the thoughts gently glide along in a peaceful way.  Oftentimes we can get so consumed by our thoughts that we are in the river, floating away, all wet and removed from the present moment.  Mindfulness is the equivalent of standing on the banks of the river and taking in the scenery, observing what is floating by and what is getting stuck, taking note of the surrounding features of the river: the geography, the plants, the creatures, simply noticing it without judgment or analysis.  To apply the metaphor to your life, when you are observing the present moment you are observing your thoughts and your physical being: the emotions and bodily sensations, as well as your current surroundings: the people and events transpiring around you.

Mindfulness is the practice of observing the present moment without any judgment.  Rather than worrying about the future or regretting the pain of the past, rather than focusing on things beyond one’s control, rather than wishing your life were something that its not, mindfulness is a freeing way of simply accepting “what is”.  It is a simple concept but it can difficult to do, which is why it is called a practice.  Mindfulness is a skill and like any skill it must be used consistently in order for it to be used comfortably, in other words you have to practice it and you will have days when it comes easily and days when you may struggle; even when you struggle if you observe and accept the struggle without judgment you are practicing mindfulness.

Keeping and returning your focus to the present moment can be done by tuning in to your physical presence.  Turn (and return) your focus to your breath as it moves through your body:  into your lungs filling and expanding is it enters, compressing and lowering as it leaves; your belly, ribs, and shoulder all actively move, while internally the blood carries the oxygen and energy of each breath down to your toes and your finger tips.  Another way to use your physical presence to stay in the present moment is to feel the weight of your body as you sit or lay: start with your feet feeling them connected and sinking into the ground then move your focus up your body noticing the physical sensation as you slowly tune into each segment.  One more way is to use the 5 senses: choosing objects and deliberately noticing the minute details of each thing that you see, hear, touch, taste, and smell.

Practicing non-judgment can be done by tuning into your thoughts and noticing the content of your thoughts.  Be on the watch for thoughts that contain any sort of judgment: labeling, criticizing, evaluating, dismissing.  When you notice a judgmental thought resist the urge to beat yourself up about it, along the lines of : “I should not be thinking that, I won’t ever think that again!”, because this is, of course, another judgment.  Going back to the river metaphor you must simply notice the thought and let it float on by, rather than letting it get stuck and muddying up the waters.  The more often you practice nonjudgment, the more often nonjudgmental thoughts will be passing through your mind.  Focus on observing and letting go, observing and letting go, observing and letting go….

There is a time for comfort and a time for challenge.  A balanced life needs times of learning, growth, and change countered by times of soothing, familiarity, and ease.  Imagine all the aspects of your life that provide you with comfort; these fit inside the innermost circle in the diagram here: the comfort zone. The comfort zone looks different for each individual but examples include chatting with good friends, hanging out in your pajamas watching a movie from the couch, eating your favorite food.  The comfort zone includes the low stress activities that you have done a million times because you enjoy them and feel calmed by them.

Life is easy in the comfort zone, unless you get stuck there.  Life in the comfort zone can start to feel cramped and limiting, a low level of agitation may develop, the activities that have been soothing may start to lose their appeal.  This happens if it has been a while since you’ve had a growth experience by trying something new, learning a new skill, or examining your life for ways to change or improve the way you live.  When this happens you are rubbing up against the border between the comfort zone and the growth zone and are experiencing useful anxiety.  At this point the only way to relieve the anxiety is to move into the growth zone.

The growth zone is characterized by uncertainty and discoveries, vulnerability and renewed confidence, fear and delight.  It is a time of learning which involves small failures on the way to big accomplishments; as the saying goes you can’t learn to ride a bike without falling off first.  Eventually with time, patience, consistent effort, the new experiences of the growth zone become familiar and mastered, and thus the comfort zone grows to include these experiences or activities.  Unfortunately it is fear of failure that can keep people stuck in a comfort zone that has become too small.  Another reason people avoid entering the growth zone is to avoid getting too close to the panic zone.

In the panic zone there is the feeling that one is in danger and the fight/flight/freeze response comes into effect to deal with the threat; that is, a person feels that he or she must escape the threat of danger by responding  to it aggressively, running from it, or hiding from it.  Survival becomes the priority and growth or learning is no longer possible.  The threat in the panic zone may be real but it is more often a percieved threat that is not actually dangerous.  Imagine someone with the common fear of public speaking, who steps out to the podium and begins to feel overwhelmed by fear and has an urge to run off the stage.  This person has entered the panic zone, staying there and acting from the panic zone will have less than favorable results, but thankfully it is not the only option.  This person can return to the growth zone.  He can take a deep breath, remind himself he is not in danger, and go on with his speech.  He will still be uncomfortable and nervous and his speech may not be the best ever delivered, however when it is all over he will have accomplished something new and grown his comfort zone even if its just a little bit.

So how do you make sure you stay in the growth zone and out of the panic zone?  There are many ways to ensure that new growth experiences feel safe and productive.  One is to make sure you have support and ask for help; this could mean getting encouragment from people who care about you or it could mean requesting the input of a teacher or mentor.  Another way is to take breaks from the growth zone by going into the comfort zone; small exposures to the new experiences balanced with familiar and comforting activities will keep you from becoming overwhelmed.  And last, maintaining awareness of your physical condition and mindset will let you know when you are getting close to the panic zone.  Like the example of the man giving the speech, he used mindfulness skills to reassure himself “I am not in danger” and took deep breaths to ground himself so that he could return to the growth zone and go on with his speech.

A satifying and fulfilling life has plenty of time spent in the growth zone, which allows for an ever expanding comfort zone.